Cold Blooded, Irresponsible Coward

I was back home since last evening in which I was supposed to be in Ubin for the 30th HOBTC ATC till Sun morning. And what was I supposed to do at the camp? Other than being the Camp's First Aider, I'm supposed to run Area Cleaning on the last day of the camp. Apart from that, I'm at the beck and call of some people, notwithstanding the sacarsm and cynism that comes along the way. It is not just the ATC alone for that matter, it has began since the 1st day of the course, no, wrong, its before the course even.

Why would I even have thought of claiming the pathetic $8/day allowance and get humiliated when I can easily earn up to 10-20bucks/hr amidst this Christmas season. Why did I even bother to drag myself to HTA every morning, the place which I detested most ever since I was a CI, to get myself branded as an EXTRA? Why the fuck did I give a shit to anything like this, when I have well cleared my probation and wouldn't need to give a fuck about HQ and NUS NPCC anymore?

I guess I only have myself to blame. All I could have done is volunteered for positions that would have put me in greater spotlight. All I could have done is put myself in places where could be easily seen by others to be working and not slacking around at the command post behind closed doors. I've put myself in a vulnerable position so to speak and I can blame nobody when I'm put to critics.

I joined the Corp in 1996, when I was in Sec 1, this is 2006, 10yr in the Corp now, 8 to be exact deducting 2 from NS though I was still rather active. What significance does it hold? From a Cadet to a Cadet Insp to an Officer, this Officer rank holds the least significance to me, its worth nothing. Yes, trust me. Right from my CI days, I hated HOs, now that I'm one, I hate myself for being one. The fact that doning on a bush jacket and walking around makes you look good doesnt neutralizes the fact that we are just fools who knows nuts inside. Thats why we have become so vulnerable to attacks from within and without and making ourselves so paranoid over our own turn out and bearing and pre-empting their very next moves. The Utlimate failure of being Officers.

I got sick of all this, and I chose to evade, I forgo my responsibilities, call me irresponsible for leaving some people in the lurch, for others. Call me cold-blooded, for leaving some to suffer alone while I evade to my own happiness. Call me a coward for retreating in face of aversity, maybe thats what I really am, a Cold Blooded, Irresponsible coward. I'm very sorry Lena, for making you upset, I really don't mean to. I'm sorry Sabrina and Winnie, I got to leave you girls there.

I've withdrew myself from the entire course. I'm only going back to take my Uniform next week. This is the last HQ event that I'm involving myself in. No more of HQ events, no more of NUS NPCC events. I will inform Peiyi personally to take me out of the NPCC Night Committee, for im not much of a use in there either.

I strongly believe that to be able keep a CCA for 10years, it really has to ignite from one's strong passion from within him. It is an act that spurs happiness from within me, having seen batches and batches of juniors passed out and now leading a wonderful life, it just warms me just to know that I had once played a part in their lives. I shall persevere in my right direction and hold firm in my beliefs and values.

"develop its cadets into caring and responsible citizens"

Take away my rank and remove my appointment and I wouldnt give two hoots about it. My passion for my unit overights everything else.
With or Without my rank.

10yrs in the Corp and this is my saddest course and ATC ever,
H/INSP CHIN WEI WEN
Honorary Officer
Pioneer NPCC Unit

PS: I will learn to be more responsible.